Some days I think about the rage I seem to naturally harbor all the time and wonder when I became an incessantly angry person. Reminiscing about my days in college, I idealize the idea that I had it easier then — and then I read my blog posts. Then I think, ah, I had things pretty easy in high school — and then I read my blogs and diaries.
To be honest, I think despite the MS, despite the living in the middle of b***f*** nowhere, and despite my waves of irritation and anxiety (possibly caused by the medication I’m taking for aforementioned MS) I might just be the happiest and most content I’ve ever been in my life.
This both pleases me and saddens me at the same time. While I’m happy that I’ve reached a state of peace never before achieved — it’s kind of depressing that I’m the happiest now in my entire life while battling a degenerative disease, its suppression and almost complete isolation for at least 8 hours a day from non-virtual people on a daily basis (and even outside of that 90% of my time is spent with either the nanny, my son, or my husband).
If I were to be an optimist I suppose I could say that at least my happiness has been at an incline since childhood so if trends follow as they have been I’ll be in a complete state of nirvana when I finally kick the bucket. Thanks to modern medicine and hospice care I think I’ll definitely have that going for me.
Ah, there’s so much to look forward to in this life!