Sometimes I hear people express disbelief at how people can keep faith in a church. Sometimes I respond.
I think my belief in the church is somewhat like my 1995 car. I have very little idea beyond the basics how it works — not being a car person I only know about the stuff you need to know to keep the car going — and if you take a look at each of its parts you probably would say it shouldn’t be working because some of the parts are so corrupted that it really should be impossible.
For 15 years (bought it used) my car and I have been together, while none of the parts of my car seem to be right, it still works for me and every time I set foot in my car I have faith that I’ll be able to get where I want to go because it has never let me down.
Maybe one day I’ll get in and I’ll realize it’s not right anymore, I always realize it’s a possibility — but not today, regardless of whether or not people think I should throw away my car I love it and it’s a part of me at this point.
Some days I think about the rage I seem to naturally harbor all the time and wonder when I became an incessantly angry person. Reminiscing about my days in college, I idealize the idea that I had it easier then — and then I read my blog posts. Then I think, ah, I had things pretty easy in high school — and then I read my blogs and diaries.
To be honest, I think despite the MS, despite the living in the middle of b***f*** nowhere, and despite my waves of irritation and anxiety (possibly caused by the medication I’m taking for aforementioned MS) I might just be the happiest and most content I’ve ever been in my life.
This both pleases me and saddens me at the same time. While I’m happy that I’ve reached a state of peace never before achieved — it’s kind of depressing that I’m the happiest now in my entire life while battling a degenerative disease, its suppression and almost complete isolation for at least 8 hours a day from non-virtual people on a daily basis (and even outside of that 90% of my time is spent with either the nanny, my son, or my husband).
If I were to be an optimist I suppose I could say that at least my happiness has been at an incline since childhood so if trends follow as they have been I’ll be in a complete state of nirvana when I finally kick the bucket. Thanks to modern medicine and hospice care I think I’ll definitely have that going for me.
Ah, there’s so much to look forward to in this life!
This August will celebrate the 15 year anniversary of my ownership of this domain. Throughout the years I, and this site, have changed and been remade hundred of times over. However, the name remains the same. I feel like I should do something to commemorate this seemingly inconsequential but ultimately momentous event in my life from 15 years ago.
Too bad I have no motivation and no ideas.